Funny comedy joke time!

Please note the following when you are planning Christmas Carol services



The Rocking Song
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.



Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.



While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.

Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.



Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.



We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.

We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC route finder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr. Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.



Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him, you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

If you get an Email from the Department of Health warning you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu, ignore it. It's spam.

My mate was telling me about this amazing new game for PS3. You play as this guy who goes around shagging loose women, beating people up, taking drugs and smashing up luxury cars.

It's called Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2010




How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Fish.

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE MAN of Your House."

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am The Man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert.. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want! Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The fu*king funeral director would be my first guess."

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

"Well, that's fine and all, but can it pick up peanuts?"

Three men dabating who's local was the best.
Mines the best says Mick - every 2nd drink the third one is free !
Naw moines best says Pat - buy one drink get one free !!
Thats nothing says Murph -
In my local you buy the first drink, then get the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th
and 7th free. Then you go round the back and get a shag !!!

Aw C'mon Murph- has that actually happened to you now ? say the other two.

No, says Murph but it did happen to me sister......

From my Christmas Day telephone call with my Scottish father-in-law...

"Two Scotsmen walk out of a bar. It could happen!"

*ba-dum-bum-CHING*

Sorry I posted that here, but we haven't got a thread called "Not Especially Funny Comedy Joke Time" sooo...

A friend just told me that:

two snow flakes meet.
- where you're goin'?
- to Greenland
- why that?
- nicely cold there, and where are you goin'?
- To Germany.
- why that?
- to spread panic

There's money to be made in developing a useful phone app, so with everyone being fitness & weight conscious, I got to work.

I'm now proud to announce the newest phone app for helping to keep you trim: It's called 'Personal Scale' and this is how it works. Install & run the app on your iPhone or Droid. Place it on a hard surface like a tiled floor and then stand on it. The phone will then record your current weight and display it on the screen. The only problem is, it only seems to work once.

(Never said it was good!)

A few nuggets of sub-par humor for your Halloween enjoyment:

What does a vegan zombie eat?
GRAAAAAAINS!

What does a dyslexic zombie eat?
Brians.

What's Osama Bin Laden going to be this Halloween?
Dead.

--------------------------------------------------------------------
One Halloween, a man with a bald head and a wooden leg was invited to a costume party.
He didn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, so he wrote
to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later, he received a parcel with the
following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted
handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your
wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man is very upset by this, and writes a letter back to the costume company. "The pirate outfit
you sent was completely worthless. I thought I made it clear in my original letter that I wanted to
hide my wooden leg, not emphasize it. Please try again, and this time, remember that I don't want
people to see my leg." A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will
cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will
really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing
his bald head. Once again, he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. "I cannot believe
you insensitive morons! Can't you understand English? I told you that I DO NOT want people to see
my bald head! Now would you please make sure the next costume you send me disguises both my head and my leg!"

The next day he gets a small parcel and a
note which reads:

Dear Sir,
Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the
molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up
your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.