Funny comedy joke time!

Ouch...I know that stuff too:
how to make a cat bark: spill it with gasoline and light it: WOOOFFF!!
how to make a hamster say "Joerg" (man's name in Germany): just strangle it: joooerggg...

works best in spoken form...

I know a nasty one with colors:
It's black and hangs on the lamp:

Spoiler:

It's red and hangs beside it:

Spoiler:

ok, enuff of that dark stuff...

Usain Bolt goes to the clubhouse in Augusta and asks to become a member. The secretary says: "I'm sorry, Sir, we can't accept you here but there's a multi-racial club 10 minutes down the road."

He replies: "But I'm Usain Bolt!"

"Ok. Five minutes down the road."

Funny stuff in here! OK, here's a few more:

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

An Irishman, a Italian and a priest walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The barman says, “We’ve got a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says, “You’ve got a drink named Kevin?”

New secretary buzzes her boss on the intercom and says:
'There's someone here to see you'
Boss: 'Well, who is it?'
Secretary: 'I dunno, but he has a moustache...'
Boss: 'Right, send him away, 'cause I already have a moustache!'

I phoned up the Swine Flue helpline this afternoon, but on the other end it was just crackling

A blonde woman pulls in to the petrol station to fill up her car but phones her husband in a panic. 'How can I get out of the car and fill it up.? I'll catch swine flu'. He says 'You daft cow. The swine flu is in Mexico.......not Texaco!!!'

so i went into the butchers today and he said "i bet you a tenner you cant reach that meat up there", so i went "no. i'm not gonna bet". "why not?" he replied. "The steaks are too high"

Awww nasty...you just need fuckin' "Tamiflu" to get off the swine flu!! (I as a imunesystem chalanged am glad that it is just the swine and not the birdflu!!)
(works best reading it alloud, shortened version)
Patient comes to doctor.
Patient: Doctor I have a *krkss* disorder
Doctor 1: Hmm *pfuu*, I think I'll *pfuu* ask my college...
Hello? I *pfuu* have a patient here *pfuu* having a *krkss* disorder..
Doctor 2: Hmm...*prrp* wait a minit *prrp* I think we shoud *prrp* treat him.

The patient gets a visit with doctor 2 too. Afterwards they decide to give him surgery
(how they explain it to each other can be done with a lots of *prrps* and pfuu*s )

Afterwards they ask
Doctor 1: so, *pfuu* how are you *pfuu* doing

Patient: Quite well, but now I have a *krk pfuu prrp*

I think I have swine flu……i’ve come out in rashers.

Tailfly wrote:

I think I have swine flu……i’ve come out in rashers.

One day the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand. "I know...he said, 'Holy Sh*t! A talking pig!'"

Everyone laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian, well there not laughing now.


A woman walks into a bar and ask's for a double entendre, so the bar man gave her one .

bluefield wrote:

A woman walks into a bar and ask's for a double entendre, so the bar man gave her one .

FNARR FNARR!!

Ok, any of you sensitive souls: look away now!

What does Stevie Wonder's wife do when they've had a fight?
She re-arranges the furniture!

hahahahahaha! Jones, you so mean!

Did you heard about the jokes, Guy told the australian audience?
according to http://www.undercover.com.au/News-Story.aspx?id=7961

“I went to the doctor’s the other day and the doctor told me I had to stop masturbating,” he told the crowd. “I said, “Why I enjoy it”. The Doctor said “because I am trying to examine you”.

Then “What did the cow say to the farmer? Why don’t you ever kiss me when you are feeling my tits”.

Some retro gags:

Les Dawson -
I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.
Ours is a football marriage, we keep waiting for the other one to kick off.
My wife ran off with our next-door neighbour. Oh, I do miss him.

The Two Ronnies -
In a packed programme tonight we will be talking to an out-of-work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet.
The search for the man who terrorises nudist camps with a bacon slicer goes on. Inspector Jones had a tip-off this morning, but hopes to be back on duty tomorrow.
And we've just heard that in the English Channel, a ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint. It is believed that both crews have been marooned.

Morecambe & Wise -
Eric hears a siren as an ambulance races past the window. "They'll not sell much ice cream going at that speed!"

Tommy Cooper -
A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age. 'The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. You're ugly as well'...
A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'. The doctor said 'well don't go there any more' ...
I went to the doctors with a jelly stuck in one ear and custard in the other. The doctor asked, 'what seems to be the problem?' I said 'you have to speak up, I'm a trifle deaf'...
A man goes into the doctors. The doctor says, 'Go over to the window and stick your tongue out.' Man says, Why? The doctor says, 'I don't like my neighbours' ...
Two fish in a tank, one says to the other, "You drive, I'll man the guns."

And an anonymous chestnut -
I went to check into a hotel the other day and asked for a suite with a view. The smart-arse Hotel Manager gave me a Polo mint.

Ladies and Gentlemen. I give you: The LONGEST joke in the World!!

2 catapillers sitting on a leaf. A butterfly goes past them and one of them goes "you'll never get me up in one of them things"

And now, today's obligatory Tiger Woos joke! Ahem:

What's the difference between a golf ball and a Cadillac?

Tiger Woods knows how to drive a golf ball. *rim shot*

A husband and wife are shopping, the man picks up a crate of beer and sticks it into the trolley. What do you think you’re doing?”asks the wife. They’re on offer, only £10 for 24 cans, he says.
Put them back. We can’t afford it, says the wife and they carry on shopping. A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley. What do you think you’re doing? asks the man.
It’s my face cream, it makes me look beautiful, she says.
The man replies SO DOES 24 CANS OF BEER AND IT’S HALF THE F***ING PRICE”!

I've just bought my mother-in-law a new chair for Christmas. I just hope my wife lets me plug it in.

Rafael Benitez, the Liverpool manager sends his scouts out round the World to look for a new striker. One of his scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. So Rafa flies to Iraq to watch him and, suitably impressed, arranges for him to come over to Anfield.

Two weeks later, Liverpool are 4-0 down at home to Man Utd with only 20 minutes left. Benitez gives the young Iraqi striker the nod to go on and he takes off Dirk Kuyt.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are ecstatic, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When he comes off the pitch he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

"Hi Mum," he says, "Guess what? I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I came on as sub, scored 5 goals and we won! Everybody loves me; the fans, the players and the media - they all love me!".

"Great," says his Mum, "let me tell you about my day. While you were having a great time, your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were beaten up down at the market and your brother has gone and joined a gang of looters!"

The young lad is very upset. "What can I say Mum? I'm so sorry!".

"Sorry?" says his Mum, "It's your bloody fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place..."