An open letter to Guy Garvey.

Mr. Guy Garvey,

Hello there. How are you finding your day so far? It’s quite a nice day outside isn’t it? I myself have just come home from a stroll around the park with the dog. Hopefully today is a sign of things to come and fingers crossed the summer months will be half as warm as this fine day has been. But enough with the conversational pleasantries, I do have an issue I would urgently like to discuss with you. No doubt you’re getting ready for tonight’s show in Sheffield, probably listening to some of your old favourites to psyche you up, so I will attempt to keep this short.

My girlfriend has always had a bit of a thing for you. I was equally surprised and pleased by this it must be said. In fact, I told her that that you would be the only person I would allow her to sleep with (apart from me silly). [mod edit]

Anyway, I purchased tickets for Elbow’s Nottingham show way back in November 2010. An amazing show it was, in fact it was my third Elbow gig in five and a half years and easily the best. Even more impressive was the fact as an Irishman living amongst the English, I sacrificed my St. Patrick’s Day! Do you know what it feels like to be Irish AND sober on March 17th? It’s like visiting Nottingham’s tourist centre and not seeing any shotguns on display, ie a massive disappointment. I arrived home sober and in a sulk thinking about my alcohol intake that day, but rest assured, thinking about your concert, I was smiling on the inside. I had a mandatory Guinness that night before slipping into bed.

However there is one small problem. The other half will not stop going on about the show and in particular, going on about you. I realised she fancied you and everything, but this is surely taking the piss. Do you know how hard it is to even attempt to live up to you? I look at you with your glorious set of lungs, stunning good looks, great monetary funds and your snazzy haircut and I die a little bit inside when I realise I have a grand total of none of those things.

Having all that in mind as we took our seats on the 17th, I was a little relieved I had booked seating tickets instead of standing. Had she been been on the floor, she surely would’ve been on top of you within seconds of you appearing on stage. But oh no, that wasn’t enough. You just had to rub it in. On the very last song of the evening, you walked the entire distance of the arena and cool as f**k, casually strolled up the steps to block 8 of the building – the very same block we were sitting in. Well by Jesus, she almost lost it right there and then. I wouldn’t be surprised if the arena had summoned two ushers to ...[mod edit: oooer]... the seat not five minutes after she had vacated it.

So then. On the way home, me dying to use the toilet and her experiencing some [mod edit] in a similar region no doubt, I asked her again, “Jesus, you really would have him wouldn’t you”? I saw a look in her eyes when she gave me her answer of “God yeah!” that I have never seen before. Not that I can blame her of course. Hell if I were a woman...[mod edit: use your imagination here] but I’d ask you to harmonise the song Ribcage while you were doing it. That would be not only romantic, but just amazing in general.

In closing, all I ask of you is to just try and tone it down yeah? I am quite experienced in the art of woman repelling; I feel I could help you in this area. Grow your hair and give it a shaggy appearance. This has done wonders for me for the past twenty-odd years.

Regards, Bryan.

PS: I must ask; what is the song you listen to most before heading on stage? And dare I ask what is your favourite artist or album to put on in the background while you’re in the mood? I read once that Christina Aguilera likes to have Radiohead on. Whilst that is admirable, I find that a bit of Slayer does the trick for me.

Oh Boy... Without words.

hahahahaha ......Slayer!?!

an open lyrical response: but only in elbowian lyrics from the charming pen what wrote BARB lyrics.

the moon wants a scrap
or a cuddle!

a baccian scandal awaits me!

your sweetheart probably hates me
but i'll send you home
your dome filled up with love!

what are we gonna do with you
same tale every time!


I told him my sorrows and broken down dreams
confessed every lie replayed every scene
he openly wept as he listened to me!

The birds are the keepers of our secret
though I wore your glacial patience to a smudge of bitter dust!

love will find you out!

This. Is. H Y S T E R I C A L.

been trying to find a glasgow clip of this one but to no avail yet.

want me to upload CB?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9yIhR3iOkg0

Wretch. Your hilarious. Very funny open letter

Wretch, epic post - I'm pissin' meself ere ! I totally understand yer missus obsession !

I hope the Resolve kicked in and the OH didn't kick off again...

mrswoman wrote:

I hope the Resolve kicked in and the OH didn't kick off again...

Any suggestions? It hasn't progressed to calling out his name in the bedroom - yet. You know what bugs me about this the most though? The double standards.

Imagine if I were dragged to, say a Shakira concert (not that she's into that type of thing) and proceeded to drool over her for the duration of the gig. And say she sprinted up the steps and shook those hips not five feet away, I would've been the subject of a vicious backhand, a swift boot to the knackers and a very public telling off for staring.

Gender equality. Not such a good thing.

Wretch wrote:

mrswoman wrote:

I hope the Resolve kicked in and the OH didn't kick off again...

Any suggestions? It hasn't progressed to calling out his name in the bedroom - yet. You know what bugs me about this the most though? The double standards.

Imagine if I were dragged to, say a Shakira concert (not that she's into that type of thing) and proceeded to drool over her for the duration of the gig. And say she sprinted up the steps and shook those hips not five feet away, I would've been the subject of a vicious backhand, a swift boot to the knackers and a very public telling off for staring.

Gender equality. Not such a good thing.

I know mate, that's why I've banned myself from PJ Harvey gig's...although, I showed admirable restraint at a Yeah Yeah Yeah's show.

Wretch wrote:

mrswoman wrote:

I hope the Resolve kicked in and the OH didn't kick off again...

You know what bugs me about this the most though? The double standards.

From a female point of view, the Peter Kay approach works pretty well:

BT your a star - thats what i'm talking about. Magic atmosphere building in the clip,
it seemed to get even louder probably after your clip cuts off. Was immense

loving the Peter Kay clip Mrs W - pure brill

ticky wrote:

hahahahaha ......Slayer!?!

I love that that's the bit you picked up on. XD